- Feelings -

What's feeling?

Happy...
Sad...
Love...

Those are just part of the feelings...

Actually there are more feelings that are hard to describe...

This few days...

I have some weird feelings inside me...
But I don't know what is that...

I don't know how to described it...

Can't even explaint it or say it out...

It's kind a complicated...

A kind of feelings that is like something missing...

But I don't know what is missing...

A kind of feelings that I am missing someone...

But I don't know who's that some one...

A kind of feeling that called lonely...
But I am surrounded by poeple everyday...

A kind of feelings that is like empty inside me...

But I dont know why I'm feeling empty...

A kind of feelings that my heart is sore and broken...

I am surrounded by happy moments everyday....

What make me feel all this?

I was wondering...

Every morning...

I weke up...

I put myself to work to make myself busy...

So that I can forget all the complicated feelings...

When comes to night time...

As soon as I go back to my little room...

My feelings will come back naturally...

When comes to bed time...

I don't dare to sleep even I am so sleepy and tired...

I don't dare to close my eyes...

Because as soon as I closed my eyes...

I feel something...

Something that I don't feels good about it...

I don't know how long these feelings has stay inside me...

It's really so annoying and irritating...

I really hate these kind of feelings...

It takes away all my spark...

Putting me in a dark situation...

I hate staying in the dark...

I want light...

I need light to lead me to the exit of this feelings...

I have been trying to work hard to escape from these feelings...

I tried to listen music...

I tried to relax myself...

I tried to make myself busy...

I even tried to talk to someone...

But everytime when I thought that those feelings has gone...

The feelings will re-appear itself...

I really don't know how to explaint about it...

Even myself is confused about the feelings...

I really run out of ideas how to describe it...

Can someone tell me what kind of feeling is that?

Is there any single word that can descride all of it...

I am really tired of these kind of feelings already...

Can someone please tell me what is that...

What kind of feelings I am having right now...

- The War Begins -

The war has already started, it has been continued for the past 5 days. All the warriors that has been trained for the past 13 weeks had send out to fight on this battle field. The 1st line of defenders had send out to fight for their life. Looking on whole, they are all prepared with their armors on, one hand with their big strong looking sword and a big strong metal shield on the other. Looking at their faces, is like looking at masks that was selling in the costume store, some are looking pale and scared, some looks so confident like they will win the war, some was experiencing panic attack... whats more to see?! FEAR, DEAD and VICTORY!?

Frankly speaking, I am one of those warrior that already undergone the 13 weeks of training. I wasn't in the 1st line defender, I was in the 2nd line. The past 5 days, I have been practicing on my sword skills and defending skills, some sort is like a revision before I got send out to the field. Somehow somewhat, I don't know what is going on with me, I can't remember any of my skills! I was totally blank! I can't believe all the hard work from the past 13 weeks has turned into waste, has turned into a piece of white paper, a whole new beginning again.

After all the practices, today is the day, the day I that I finally got send out to fight in the field. I was really really nervous, I couldn't sleep the whole night. I got up very early in the morning (about 5.30am) to do my final practice/revision. About at 8am, I put on my armor and check all the equipment that I needed then I am ready to set off to the assemble ground. I grab my sword and shield then head off to the ground. On the way to the ground it was drizzling and cold, in my head I was thinking how would the battle field looks like.

I arrived on the ground, all I can see is a 'blank mask' on the warriors face, all looking so blank, everyone was very very nervous and panic attack strikes most of the warriors, don't need to mention, I am one of them too. I look so strong , well prepared and confident on the outside, but it was just a shell of mine, do not mistaken it. I am very very scared and nervous in the inside, I can feel my heart was beating fast, is like my body produce too much of the adrenaline. The adrenaline is way too much in my body that my heart muscle can't take is anymore. It was beating so fast and hard that I can feel every beat and the sound goes 'thum... thum.... thum...', it was really loud and clear!

All a sudden, a piece of silence, I can hear the breathing, the heart beat of each warrior. Here comes the messenger, passing down a message... This time I say to myself 'this is it, this is the moment, it has come!'. Everyone holding their sword and shield tightly, ready to rush out into the field. An order has send out, everyone rushed into the field and stand in position. After a few seconds of silence, a loud voice was heard, the 'signal', is the signal to begin. All the warrior rushing towards their enemies, pulling out their sword, shield was placed in front for protection and started to fight for their life.

I was standing there looking, I was stunted, I was looking frozen when I open the paper, I was totally blank, I did not even pull my sword out like the other warrior. I stared at the paper for quite awhile, finally I said to myself 'Let's do this, I can do this!' I pulled out my sword and started to run across the field like the other warriors, slashing my enemies down one by one... I was slashing and slashing, blood splashing all over the field. I was so concentrate on the war, so concentrate on bringing the enemies down, I don't even realised time flies. As I was fighting hard across the field, all a sudden I saw the crowded field has turned into a pool of dead bodies, filled with the enemies blood. One by one, my mates was standing tall and proud, waiting for me to slash the last enemies standing on the field. I did it, I brought it down to the ground. It was a victory... 'VICTORY... VICTORY...VICTORY...' they shouted.

Everyone walked out of the battle field, even though some of the warrior knows the final result may not be a victory for them, but they put a smile on their face - showing a sign that they already done with one war. One more war to go, then they will be set free and enjoy the rest of the holiday. I walked out of the field, almost the last one to walked out, there are still a few struggling to escape from the field. As soon as I walked out, I said to myself:'I do not know what the final result will be, but at least it was a relief because I have tried my best to fight for the victory.' I am done with one, like the others, one more to go then I'm free! For the others who are going to take over my position for the next 2 weeks, all I can say is do your best to fight for the victory!

- Hypnotized -

These few day I have no idea what is wrong with me. I seems like acting weird - can't concentrate in my study while my exam is on this Friday, I tends to day dreaming a lot, feeling nervous, lost sleep and lost my appetite too. I was wondering what is going on with me!? All this sign just started 3 days ago after I talk to a friend on the phone. It started like this:

" My friend called me on a Sunday afternoon, we are having a long conversation. Did I mention it was a he? Yea... is a he. He was asking me when my winter break starts. My winter break starts on the 15th of this month. So he was hoping me to visit Melbourne and spend a couple of days with him during my break because he was missing me and wanted to see me. But the problem is I don't have enough money to pay for the accommodation, I can only afford to pay for the air ticket (parents paying for it... XD). Therefore I said to him that I can't visit him this winter unless I work or else I will not have enough pocket money for the rest of my semester. He seems not quite understand my reason, he keep pushing me and pushing me and giving me lots of option where to stay and blah... blah... blah...!

I was already in a stress mood and he keep forcing me (for those people who know me well, they knows that I have a very high patient level), I don't know how this happen, he was asking me about the reason why I refuses to go to Melbourne, all of a sudden, I was like been hypnotized by someone, I did not know what I am saying the whole time, I lost my patient, burst out and say :' Because I don't see the reason why I have to go to Melbourne!' He was so angry that he hang up on me (I never seen him that angry before, it really scares me). On that time onwards, 'SNAP', I woke up, I can't believe myself that I just say that to him, I hurt him so much that he hang up on me."

After all this happen I realised that I was like been hypnotized the whole time, I did not know what I am doing, I have no idea what I said... this is so weird. Then I woke up, I started to realised that I did something bad that I never did before, I feel so bad and I even scare that I will lost this friendship. I have been thinking about it for days, trying to fix things right but I don't know how... so frustrated! Even though he tell me that he is not mad at me anymore, but I still can feel that he is not happy, he's still upset about what I say and did to him. I start thinking and thinking what I have done, then all the weird sign just pop out - can't concentrated, day dreaming, can't sleep and lost appetide even I feel hungry. This is just so weird! =__=

- The Perfect Drink -

It has been long.... No rain yet gloomy and extremely cold, sometimes sunny yet still very cold, winter is on the way to visit Tasmania. Today, as usual, my alarm clock rang at 8am, I turn it off and when back to bed. I did not realised is already mid day when I got up... cause the sky was very gloomy and I can hear the sound of the rain drops beating on my window. It's raining! It has been long that Tasmania did not rain, today is the day that I am looking forward. It is cold and cozy, is a nice day to sleep in (rainy day, closing up your curtain, leaving a dark situation, curling under your thick, warm comforter).

Is a 'Sleep In Day' for me, but shameful, very shameful, I can't sleep in for long today, I got whole lot of study to do. I get out of bed, have my brunch (butter and jam sandwich and wholegrain weet-bix with milk) then sat my ass infront of the computer to study. It has been awhile that I studied, still I couldn't concentrate much because of the cold weather. I did turned on the heater, but, as usual, it doesn't seems working perfectly (it only heat the area infront of it - about only one feet ahead, never go futher than that), this so annoying, espcially on a cold and rainy day like this.

So... I gave up on my studies and make myself a cup of hot chocolate (cadbury chocolate powder with a little bit of sugar, cream, milk and of course hot water). Can you imagine, in a cold cold day, having a cup of hot chocolate (the fragrance smell of the mixture of chocolate, milk and cream and the taste of sweetness) with a few home baked cookies, sitting infront of the heater and enjoy some music or reading your favourite book, making you so warm (like a warm hug) and also making you feels like home. That is why I always said hot chocolate is the most perfect drink ever, especially during a cold and rainy day like this - its a perfect drink for winter after all.

- The Last Minutes Moment -

Sigh.... 1o more days exam will be coming. Guess what!? I have not done any of my studies yet, not a single reading or lecture note is completely read by me. Isn't that great - I have whole lot of lectures to listen and one big pile of lecture notes to read, there is more - a whole thick Bioscience text book and one Fundalmental of Nursing Book is awaiting for me to read too... Oh Dear! Oh Dear! I'm so dead this time!

Who to blame? Only myslef to blamed... I did nothing good, I say I was going to start after I handed in my last assignment but... There is always a BUT.... I witheld it, I drag and drag and drag, it's already been 2 weeks that I said I am going to start my studies. Eventually, I did not thing apart from watching movie, sitting my ass around and day dreaming and the most fun part is I slept all my time away, having sweet dreams, so enjoyable! As soon as I woke up - there we go again, panic attack is back. Looking at the big pile of papers and stacks of book, nearly put me into the grave, so horrible. That's the only problem, I can't help it, I can't stop sleeping because as soon as I turn my head back, I can see my bed is talking to me, saying:" Come to me! I'm so soft and comfortable! Come over here and have fun with me." You just can't resist it, can you?

Now that I have know I'm in deep trouble, I say I'm going to start now... but guess what? Another BUT... I just just found myslef sitting infront of my laptop and started to enjoy some movies, listening to some songs, facebooking, myspacing and now blogging - how worst is that! Ah.... what a terrible person am I! Looks like if I don't start now, I got to cramp everthing last minute (Well... I suppose is already a last minute right now, cause with all the lectures, lecture notes and reading to do). Hmm.... I wonder how many knowledge that I can put into my small tiny little peanut brain within this 'last minute'? Lets hope for miracle happen - RIGHT...... as if it there are miracles!

- ReaLiseD -

The moment I woke up...
I realised that I can't make the day without you.

The moment when I was eating...
I realised that I can't eat without you.

The moment when I do my house chaos...
I realised that without you I can't finish them on time.

The moment when I go to bed...
I realised that I can't sleep without you beside me.

So many thing that we have done together...
All the moment that we spend together...
They flashes through my eyes...
I can see all the black and white that we have done together...
This makes me realised that how important you are...
without you this wold means nothing to me...

But it's to late...
Things has changed...
Things changed fast...
Just within a snap...
No sign of it...
No taste of it...
And no smell of it...
Everything just changed without my noticed...

I realised that people doesn't know how to appreciate things...
As time passed by...
I realised that I have been immunised by all this cold hearted people...
My heart is no longer warm...
It has been numb for quite awhile...
I no longer feel the wound that people put on me...

There is a big changes...
Way too big...
I no longer change back the way I am...
I am tired of what you did to me...
I am really tired and sick of your promises and excuses...
You disappoint me...

Too exhausted that I need a break to gaps some air...
everything just going to safocate me...
After all the break that I got...
I decided to let everything go...
There is no way to turn back...

But finally you realised that you can't live without me...
You apologized...
You think that I'm going to accept it...
I try to say to myself...
Accept the apology...
But it's too late...
I'm sorry that I can't accept your apology...
Once my heart has changed...
There is no way to turn back...

Please appreciate what other do for you...
Treat them a little good...
Do realised earlier that everything that they do for you 'cause they love you...
Don't make them change their heart...
Once their heart has changed...
There is no U-Turn...
It's too late now...
Your realised will just make you regret...

- HuMan BeinG -

Sometimes human being are funny...
There are different 'species' of human kind...
Some are very sensible...
Some like to help...
Some love being stupid...
Some like to back step...
Some being selfish...
And some being greedy...
What else can a human being be?

Why can't human being just be one?
Help each other out...
Not being selfish...
Not being greedy...
Not to back step others...
Not being stupid...

Can't they just be a normal human...
Look what they have done 'cause of greediness?
Look what they have done 'cause of selfishness?
And why they want to used and back step others?

'Cause of all this weird human's attitudes...
Others have to suffer from what the weird ones did to them!
The selfishness...
making others living with poverty;
Dumping waste without having second thought...
Making others suffer from side effects that they have made;
Leaving their love ones behind...
Left the others live with sadness and no love...

The greediness...
One will not be enough...
More are needed;
One lover is not enough...
Having own little ones are not enough...
Leave the lover...
Leave the little ones...
Go for another person just because of your needs...
What have you gave them?
Nothing but sorrows...

Human being...
Don't you ever get tired of leaving others?
Don't you ever get tired of being selfish?
Don't you feel sorry for those that you gave them sorrows?

Let's think the other way round...
Look from their point of view...
Try to understand and be one of them for a day...
Take a turn and exchanged...
Will you feel the same like them if they did it to you too?
I'm sure you wanted back your normal life after trying a day...
So please...
Think wisely before you start your evilness...
Think twice before you make a move...
Think all the effects that the others suffer from...

I'm sure there is an angel in human being...
Fight with your evilness...
Be an angel...
Change all the evil thoughts...
Bring back all the goodness...
And make the world a place that is full of happiness and loves...